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Well it looks like I've talked myself out of my American Idol boycott. Even though the "Idols" sang SEVEN untouchable Beatles' songs from my list, I've decided that I'm still going to watch and here are the reasons why:

1. I'm letting two songs slide to get the list down to the original five. These two songs are the Biker Nurse's version of "You Can't Do That" (from the banned A Hard Day's Night) and Gayvid Hernandez's version of "I Saw Her Standing There" (the only banned song from Please Please Me). Why are you letting Hernandez slide you ask? Hold on a minute and you'll see.

2. Certain untouchable songs that were performed were so bad that they didn't ruin the original songs in any way. While I was upset that just about every finalist changed these already perfect songs in some way, some performances were so bad that it didn't even matter (like Syesha's, "Got to Get You Into My Life" and Battelfield Earth's unbelievably weak, "If I Fell).

3. Even though he sang a song that I allowed, it was great seeing Giggles McGee forget the words to "We Can Work it Out." I still don't understand how somebody (and I don't care if he's 12 years old) doesn't know any Beatles' songs. He knew this song as a Stevie Wonder song. I can understand someone not liking The Beatles more than someone not knowing any of their songs. Too bad there's no way he gets cut. Lousy little pixie.

4. Just so you know, Baldie McFakerock's (pictured below) version of "Eleanor Rigby" was so awful and unforgivable that I got up and left the room. I've never wanted to kill a puppy more than I did in the first couple seconds of that performance. Simon really let me down with his praise of this atrocity. God, even this was better.



Ok, back to David Hernandez. As we all know by now, Hernandez worked as a gay stripper in a gay nightclub up until late September of 2007. Well as I mentioned, tonight he sang "I Saw Her Standing There," after his intro video where he failed to mention his job as a gay stripper in a gay night club in his list of recent jobs. What's so perfect about this whole situation though, is how beautifully you can twist the lyrics of "I Saw Her Standing There," to a David Hernandez gay stripper in a gay nightclub version of this classic song. Below are the lyrics to this version.

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present:



I Saw Him Sitting There
by David Hernandez

One, Two, Three, Four!

Well he was just seventeen
if you know what I mean
with a Miller Lite and frosted spiky hair
Oh how could I dance on another, woooooo!
Since I saw him sitting there

Well he winked at me
and I, I could see
that I had to start before the song was over
Oh, I’ll never strip for another, woooooo!
Since I saw him sitting there

Well my heart went boom
in the champagne room
that he rented for the night

Yeah, I danced through the night
and his pants were getting tight
and before too long I forgot where we were!
Oh, how could I grind on another?
Since I saw him sitting there

Well I love being gay
in Dick’s Cabaret
and my future’s looking bright!

Oh, he payed for the night
and he treated me right
thank God for all that Cocoa Butter
No, I’ll never be tipped by another, woooooo!
Since I saw him sitting there
Oh since I saw him sitting there
Yeah well since I saw him sitting there

---------------

I'd like to say thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition!

All the Children Sing...

For the last six years I've been trying to stop watching American Idol. Every year though, I'm suckered in and then I can't stop watching and I wind up hating myself at the beginning of each new episode. For a long time I wondered why I couldn't stop watching something that I didn't want to watch. It was really bothering me. I've hated just about every contestant of all time (with the exception , of course, for this guy), and have never downloaded or bought a song or album from anyone in the show's history.

The only constant part of the show that I've liked throughout has been Simon because it's refreshing to see someone so honest on television. Meanwhile, every time a contestant gets voted off, Paula tells them that this is "just the..........begin-er, the beginning of your...........career and your star is..........gonna........your star is gonna shine.............brightly forever......and you....." She still hasn't finished a sentence in seven years and it's not even funny anymore, while Randy Jackson on the other hand, has just become a parody of himself. As for Seacrest, I'm not even going to talk about him. Yet I'm still there every Tuesday through Thursday (unless something better is on, but I still record it on the DVR anyway).



It was only very recently that I figured out why I still need to watch all the time - I need something on television that I can hate. While I'm upset that I'm watching the show when the show is about to start, I do wind up having fun watching these losers sing because I can outwardly hate them. It's nice to just let out pointless and meaningless rage in short bursts for 42 minutes two or three nights a week. Since I can't stop watching, it's better to take this approach towards this show. Plus since everyone else watches, it's nice to have a Lowest Common Denominator show you can talk about with other people when conversations lag, or even when they don't. American Idol, as annoying as it is, has helped save numerous parties, slow dinners, and funerals over the past seven years. It's really amazing when you think about it.

So, what does American Idol go and do just as I've finally accepted it as a necessarily unavoidable part of my life? They acquire the Lennon/McCartney songbook, which they will be raping tonight. In the past, the AI contestants have not been allowed to sing Beatles' songs by John and Paul, and it's been the one redeeming factor about the show. In my opinion, The Beatles should never be covered by anyone, let alone hacky wannabe pop stars. It's just not right. The songs are so good, they don't need to be changed. The only times I have no problem with their songs being covered are during concerts of certain established bands that I respect.

A couple years ago I remember Taylor Hicks singing "Something" (which was allowed because it's a George sons), and there have been many times when contestants have performed and butchered solo John's, "Imagine." When it comes to George, I get especially offended because he's maybe my favorite person in the history of Earth. As for "Imagine" being done all the time, I feel just the same way I do about any Beatles song being covered, even though "Imagine" is maybe my tenth favorite song off that album. I had to change the channel the other week when that annoying little smile-talker, David Archuletta, sang the song. I don't want these people to ruin these songs like Smashmouth ruined the Monkees', "I'm a Believer," for me.



So, tonight's AI episode may very well be my last episode ever, which is a shame now that I've finally made peace with my ailment. I've decided to leave the show an out though, just so there's a chance I can still watch in the future. Below is a list of untouchable songs that I just will not be cool with anyone singing, with the exception of Brooke White, who can do no wrong in my eyes. Since there are 12 contestants left, if more than 5 of these songs are performed, I will no longer watch.

UNTOUCHABLE SONGS:

All George Harrison songs.

All covers are OK, because they aren't Beatles song to begin with.

Abbey Road: all songs are untouchable except for Come Together and Octopus's Garden.

The Beatles (White Album): all songs are untouchable except for Ob-La-Di..., Blackbird (there's no way I can expect them not to sing this), I Will, Goodnight.


Beatles For Sale: they can sing anything from this album except I'm a Loser and I'll Follow the Sun.

A Hard Day's Night: the entire album is untouchable because I don't want them to ruin the movie for me too. This one's gonna be tough to avoid.

Help!: they can sing anything from this album except Help!, You've Got to Hide Your Love Away, Ticket to Ride, and Yesterday.

Let It Be: the entire album is untouchable.

Magical Mystery Tour: every song untouchable except Your Mother Should Know, Hello Goodbye, Baby You're a Rich Man, and the unavoidable All You Need is Love.

Please Please Me: I'll be fine with them singing any of these except for I Saw Her Standing There.

Revolver: ABSOLUTELY NO REVOLVER! Do you hear me, people? NO REVOLVER! If Brooke White wants to sing Here, There and Everywhere, that's fine, but even she isn't very safe here.

Rubber Soul: I'm going to give them most of this one except for Norwegian Wood, You Won't See Me, Nowhere Man, Girl, and In My Life.

Sgt. Pepper: they'd be fools to try, and I'd actually like to see them crash and burn by doing any song here except of course for A Day in the Life.

With the Beatles: I'll give them this one too.

Singles not on any albums: Paperback Writer, Lady Madonna, Hey Jude, Revolution, Don't Let Me Down, and the Ballad of John and Yoko.

Other than that, I'm fine. Your move, American Idol.

Meet the Dead Guy, Volume I (Nomination 2)

William F. Buckley died today at the age of 82. In case you don't know who Buckley is, well he is famous for having a wikipedia page that tells you all about his life and what he did. Why does he warrant a post on this page you might ask? Good question. Here's why: Buckley once famously said that the Beatles were:

"so unbelievably horrible, so appallingly unmusical, so dogmatically insensitive to the magic of the art, that they qualify as crowned heads of antimusic."


Hard not to agree. Those guys sucked. Disgusting.

This statement added on top of his death automatically puts Buckley into the running for the First Annual Bad News/Irrelevant News Dead Guy of the Year award. He is February's nominee, and from the looks of things, he'll be in the running all year with January's posthumously posthumous nominee, Brad Renfro. Good luck, fellas!