All the Children Sing...

For the last six years I've been trying to stop watching American Idol. Every year though, I'm suckered in and then I can't stop watching and I wind up hating myself at the beginning of each new episode. For a long time I wondered why I couldn't stop watching something that I didn't want to watch. It was really bothering me. I've hated just about every contestant of all time (with the exception , of course, for this guy), and have never downloaded or bought a song or album from anyone in the show's history.

The only constant part of the show that I've liked throughout has been Simon because it's refreshing to see someone so honest on television. Meanwhile, every time a contestant gets voted off, Paula tells them that this is "just the..........begin-er, the beginning of your...........career and your star is..........gonna........your star is gonna shine.............brightly forever......and you....." She still hasn't finished a sentence in seven years and it's not even funny anymore, while Randy Jackson on the other hand, has just become a parody of himself. As for Seacrest, I'm not even going to talk about him. Yet I'm still there every Tuesday through Thursday (unless something better is on, but I still record it on the DVR anyway).



It was only very recently that I figured out why I still need to watch all the time - I need something on television that I can hate. While I'm upset that I'm watching the show when the show is about to start, I do wind up having fun watching these losers sing because I can outwardly hate them. It's nice to just let out pointless and meaningless rage in short bursts for 42 minutes two or three nights a week. Since I can't stop watching, it's better to take this approach towards this show. Plus since everyone else watches, it's nice to have a Lowest Common Denominator show you can talk about with other people when conversations lag, or even when they don't. American Idol, as annoying as it is, has helped save numerous parties, slow dinners, and funerals over the past seven years. It's really amazing when you think about it.

So, what does American Idol go and do just as I've finally accepted it as a necessarily unavoidable part of my life? They acquire the Lennon/McCartney songbook, which they will be raping tonight. In the past, the AI contestants have not been allowed to sing Beatles' songs by John and Paul, and it's been the one redeeming factor about the show. In my opinion, The Beatles should never be covered by anyone, let alone hacky wannabe pop stars. It's just not right. The songs are so good, they don't need to be changed. The only times I have no problem with their songs being covered are during concerts of certain established bands that I respect.

A couple years ago I remember Taylor Hicks singing "Something" (which was allowed because it's a George sons), and there have been many times when contestants have performed and butchered solo John's, "Imagine." When it comes to George, I get especially offended because he's maybe my favorite person in the history of Earth. As for "Imagine" being done all the time, I feel just the same way I do about any Beatles song being covered, even though "Imagine" is maybe my tenth favorite song off that album. I had to change the channel the other week when that annoying little smile-talker, David Archuletta, sang the song. I don't want these people to ruin these songs like Smashmouth ruined the Monkees', "I'm a Believer," for me.



So, tonight's AI episode may very well be my last episode ever, which is a shame now that I've finally made peace with my ailment. I've decided to leave the show an out though, just so there's a chance I can still watch in the future. Below is a list of untouchable songs that I just will not be cool with anyone singing, with the exception of Brooke White, who can do no wrong in my eyes. Since there are 12 contestants left, if more than 5 of these songs are performed, I will no longer watch.

UNTOUCHABLE SONGS:

All George Harrison songs.

All covers are OK, because they aren't Beatles song to begin with.

Abbey Road: all songs are untouchable except for Come Together and Octopus's Garden.

The Beatles (White Album): all songs are untouchable except for Ob-La-Di..., Blackbird (there's no way I can expect them not to sing this), I Will, Goodnight.


Beatles For Sale: they can sing anything from this album except I'm a Loser and I'll Follow the Sun.

A Hard Day's Night: the entire album is untouchable because I don't want them to ruin the movie for me too. This one's gonna be tough to avoid.

Help!: they can sing anything from this album except Help!, You've Got to Hide Your Love Away, Ticket to Ride, and Yesterday.

Let It Be: the entire album is untouchable.

Magical Mystery Tour: every song untouchable except Your Mother Should Know, Hello Goodbye, Baby You're a Rich Man, and the unavoidable All You Need is Love.

Please Please Me: I'll be fine with them singing any of these except for I Saw Her Standing There.

Revolver: ABSOLUTELY NO REVOLVER! Do you hear me, people? NO REVOLVER! If Brooke White wants to sing Here, There and Everywhere, that's fine, but even she isn't very safe here.

Rubber Soul: I'm going to give them most of this one except for Norwegian Wood, You Won't See Me, Nowhere Man, Girl, and In My Life.

Sgt. Pepper: they'd be fools to try, and I'd actually like to see them crash and burn by doing any song here except of course for A Day in the Life.

With the Beatles: I'll give them this one too.

Singles not on any albums: Paperback Writer, Lady Madonna, Hey Jude, Revolution, Don't Let Me Down, and the Ballad of John and Yoko.

Other than that, I'm fine. Your move, American Idol.