YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

Finally Dandy

Over 6,000 people have watched this disaster video. It's hard not to love YouTube, but seriously, 6,382 people really had nothing better to do?



Meanwhile, only 24 people have watched this awesome new commercial for Gatorade Tiger.



The terrorists have won.

Songs From the Bank. . . .The Blood Bank!

So it's been over a week since my John Adams freak out and though I'm still not completely calm, I'll give you an update on what's been happening. Since my last post I've been working on something major that will most likely take up a lot of time here on this site. I'm still perfecting it, but it looks like I'll be satisfied and post it next week. I'm not going to tell you what it is yet, but I am going to need your help with it once I put it up. It's interactive and something I've never done before. So get ready for all of that.

Aside from that, I should let you know that a question that I submitted to a pop culture trivia contest on Hey! Neilsen. So, why don't you go over there and take it because if you win you can get a bunch of awesome gadgets and stuff. I think my question is somewhere in the middle. It's the one about The Office (UK) trivia contest in an episode from the first season. Yes, I realize that I submitted a question about a trivia contest for a trivia contest, and yes, I also realize that I am awesome. Also, you'll notice that a bunch of actual real sites that update regularly and are legit put up questions for this quiz. Does this mean that maybe BN/IN is about to blowup and hit it huge-time? Probably not, but still it's nice to be grouped in with IMDB and TV Squad amongst others. Now I know Queen Latifah must've felt like when she was nominated for an Oscar in 2002.



Finally, to hold you over for next week, I present to you the video for the song "Girl, It's Alright," by the one and only Steven Seagal. I don't know if this video was ever an internet sensation, but I saw it for the first time today and I have to admit that it's really not that terrible. Smell that guitar!


Apparently, Seagal has now released TWO full length albums, and not in the late '80s or early '90s when when some humans actually considered him relevant. His first album, Songs from the Crystal City (which I think inspired the title for the new Indiana Jones disaster), was released in 2005. 2005? He was exclusively a straight to DVD guy by then. I guess Seagal wanted to focus on his music, because in 2006, his second album dropped, the awesomely titled Mojo Priest which featured such classic songs like "Love Doctor," "Alligator Ass," and "Talk to My Ass." Nothing beats a good concept album.



***UPDATE!***

The Mojo Priest promo video!

Airing of Grievances, Volume I - Sit Down, John!

"I've got a lot of problems with you people!"
- Frank Costanza

One of my favorite (if not my favorite) episodes of Seinfeld is called, "The Strike." To most of the world, this episode is famous for introducing Festivus as a holiday. During the climatic dinner scene, Frank Costanza says the above quote when it's time for the Airing of Grievances where according to Festivus tradition, you tell everyone in the room how they've disappointed in the past year. Since I feel that Festivus should be celebrated at least bi-monthly, I'm starting a new feature here at BN/IN where I air my grievances on things that bother me. Volume I deals with the new miniseries, John Adams.

John Adams is a seven-part miniseries that is currently in its run on HBO. The miniseries is based on the book written by David McCullough and is being produced by Tom Hanks (and others) and stars Paul Giamatti, Laura Linney, David Morse, and Tom Wilkinson. As of now, four of the seven parts have aired, and I just finally watched the fourth part tonight (after it had been clogging up my DVR since Sunday). It should be noted before we get into things that I did not read the book.

Now for the Airing...

1.) Paul Giamatti: I want to start off by saying that I like Paul Giamatti, though I can understand why maybe others feel differently. Sure his voice can be annoying sometimes, and he's not the most attractive fellow around, but so what? The man can act. So, when I found out that he was going to be playing John Adams I thought it was an interesting choice and that he would do a good job. I was wrong.

Well, not really. I think that Giamatti has done a great job, but I just can't get past the fact that I'm watching Paul Giamatti and not John Adams. The reason? His voice. While it’s true that no one can know for sure what John Adams sounded like (unless there’s some written description somewhere that goes into pointless detail), Paul Giamatti has such a recognizable voice that I just can’t get past anything he’s saying and believe that it’s Adams talking. All I can hear is a guy dressed up like John Adams screaming that he doesn’t want any f**king Merlot (family site). Unfortunately, this has caused me to look past anything he’s saying, while at the same time ignoring the other things that makes him such a great actor, like his facial expressions for instance. As much as I like Paul Giamatti, maybe the role would’ve been better suited for a lesser known actor, one like Giamatti was himself about ten years ago. Either someone like that, or Mr. Feeney.



Side Note: I hate going the ugly route here because I really respect Giamatti, but it would’ve helped if I didn’t have to see his hairy shoulders from Part Three, or his sex scene with Abigail in Part Four. Why did they think that we want to see John Adams have sex? I think about 0% of the world wanted to see that. I already have enough trouble sleeping. Thanks, HBO.

2. Laura Linney (and her retarded storyline): Here’s another actor that I really like who I just don’t like at all in this miniseries. Linney was nominated for an Oscar this year (for The Savages) and has been quietly very good for many years now. I still haven’t gotten over how she wasn’t nominated for The Squid and the Whale, and who could forget her scrumtrulescent performance in Congo? I think I may be the only person alive who liked that movie.



As Abigail Adams, however, I just find her to be boring and annoying (though this whole argument negates itself if this was the intent). Everyone knows about the letters that John and Abigail would send each other when they were apart. The unfortunate truth though is that it’s hard to transfer the exciting world of 18th century letter correspondence to the screen (especially in a post-Ken Burns world). So instead they have chosen to show Abigail’s home life with her children while John is away either in Philadelphia or Europe. Here is a brief overview of those scenes:

- Oooh! Watch as Abigail and her kids get smallpox and then treat it!
- Try to contain yourselves as you watch the neglected Adams family tend to the crops!
- Hold onto your seats as they talk about missing their father!

It’s all very entertaining stuff, but I just don’t think America’s ready for it yet. Give us a few more years. We’ve only now just fully accepted the Pet Rock.



3.) David Morse’s prosthetic George Washington nose: Here now is a list of things George Washington is known for:

- Crossing the Delaware
- Winning the Revolutionary War
- Becoming the First President of the United States
- Wooden teeth/cherry tree
- His white hair and his identifiable navy blue or black outfit that he wears in all the paintings
- He invented the peanut
- His large and distracting nose? This one’s new to me.

I want it to be clear that I do not doubt that George Washington had a big nose. I’m sure he did. I’ve been looking at some of his portraits since this series started, and I guess it’s kinda big. I guess. Is it really important though to show this minor detail in the miniseries? David Morse is a tall man and he actually even sort of looks like George Washington. Why then was it necessary to give him a large, fake nose? Is an abnormally large nose what most people think about when they think about George Washington? Did the producers think that we weren’t going to figure out which one was the George Washington-esque character? It’s George Washington for balls sake! He’s the most famous President ever! He kinda had a big hand in the birth of this country. Who cares if he had a big nose, or at least a bigger nose that David Morse’s. If they dressed up Delroy Lindo in a white wig and put him in a navy blue suit thingy with a frilly white collar I’d know right away that he was playing George Washington. Why then did they feel like they needed to put a man who actually looks like George Washington in a fake nose? Unacceptable.



4.) The Continental Congress: Am I really to believe that there was no singing involved? I saw this documentary a few years ago called, “1776,” and the Founding Fathers sang throughout almost the entire thing. It really was more like a musical than a documentary. This miniseries tries to be super accurate with George Washington’s nose, but am I to believe that the Founding Fathers didn’t hash out the specifics of the Declaration of Independence while prancing around and harmonizing?



5.) The Direction: The way that John Adams has been shot so far has really, really, really bothered me. While they’ve done an excellent job so far with the art direction, set design, effects and lighting, there have been too many distracting shots that are either at a weird angle, use an inappropriate lens, or are blocked unnecessarily by an object like a fence or a railing. I noticed these pointlessly stylistic trends right away and it instantly took away whatever chance I had of enjoying the show out of the equation. It’s gotten to the point where it’s just funny now.

There have been way too many shots where the camera is tight on someone’s face at a slanted angle where everything appears on a slope in the background. It also feels that every establishing shot is used with a fish eye lens vertically. It’s almost as if they’re shooting John Adams as they would a graphic novel. This isn’t 300 or Watchmen (which already looks awesome, by the way). We’re talking about the Founding Fathers here – you don’t need to make them look cool. This is not how we want to see the men who formed this country (and again, we still don’t want to see any Adams sex). They are the one group of people that mostly anyone can respect and admire to this day without giving a second thought (or remembering slavery). I don’t need to see John Adams suffering through a sickness in Europe from the point of view of a flying bug. Just show him coughing and sweating in a bed and I’ll get the point. It’s John Adams were talking about here, not Batman.

6.) Three Things I’ve Liked So Far: To be fair, there have been three things in this miniseries that I’ve enjoyed after the first four episodes. Also, for the record, I will watch this entire miniseries. All seven parts. I can’t stop watching something once I’ve started no matter how many problems I have.

1.) Tom Wilkinson as Ben Franklin: Wilkinson really has been excellent so far and has been the most believable out of all the characters. He’ll win awards for his performance though I’m sure he’d rather have won the Oscar this year. Too bad Anton Chigurh was in his way.



2.) John Adams’ dinner in France: Hands down the creepiest thing I’ve seen on TV all year. These were some of the whitest and ugliest faces I’ve ever seen (and I’m not even talking about the makeup), and though I’ve never used the term Freedom Fries before, I might have to move over to the dark side and hate France just like the rest of America.

3.) Tar and Feather: The tar and feather scene from the first episode was really awesome. I don’t know how they did it exactly, but I actually believed that they tarred and feathered that poor actor. From all of the things I’ve seen and read about the these times it seems like there was always some tar and some feathers nearby. I bet you couldn’t walk five feet without seeing one or the other. They must’ve been the iPods of the 18th century. Back to the actual scene though, it probably would’ve worked just as well without the balls.

Wow, that's probably too many words.

No No No No No NO!

Please stop re-imagining things! It only worked once and a lot of that had to do with Dwight Schrute. I guess I can always not watch something, but unless it's on CBS, then it's really hard for me not to. Children of Men is one of my favorite movies ever and I just hope it isn't ruined for me the way David Cook ruined both Eleanor Rigby and Billie Jean.

U Got Twizzerld!

Now normally I don't like competitive street-dancing movies (too ethnic), but I think I could get behind this one. Please enjoy the trailer for the upcoming, U Got Twizzerld!, starring The Twirl Master, Chris Matthews, and Ellen Degeneres in the role of her lifetime. I smell Oscar!

T.G.I. Frigay's

Yes, I'm late on this, but I only got home Tuesday night. Plus, I finally have a good reason to post this picture.

There's nothing I can say that would make this story any funnier.

It Was Named After Pasta

No Talkin' Talkies again this week, however, if I had one pick it would be for Funny Games, Michael Haneke's English language remake of his own 1997 film starring Naomi Watts and Tim Roth. This movie may not be for everyone, but I'm oddly interested especially after seeing the trailer a couple of times.



Anyway, in less torture related news, I found this link to a March Madness style Lost character bracket yesterday where you can vote for you favorite characters to advance. I wish that I had seen this sooner so I could have picked from the very beginning instead of picking in up in the Sweet 16, but it's still worth it if you like the show. There are 64 characters, and they're broken down into four regions, just like the real NCAA tournament.

Do I agree with the groupings? No. Do I agree with the rankings? Also no. Still though I'm not upset with where its headed. I wish I had the chance to vote for Locke, but he had a tough second round matchup with Sayid, who is supercool. The only other thing that really bothered me was Jin's first round loss to Sun. Jin is arguably just as supercool as Sayid (and Desmond, who may make the Final Four!), and I've always liked him over Sun. I think if people had seen last night's episode before they had the chance to vote, then Jin would've been a major sleeper in his region. Here now are my Final Four picks based on the progress so far.

From the 815 Survivors Region: I think Sawyer holds on to beat Kate and then advances to the F4 with a close win over Sayid in what should be a hard fought regional championship game. Who am I kidding? I'd be happy either way as long as Jack doesn't win.

From the Freighties and Dead Survivors Region: Even though Faraday has had a nice run for the mid-major character that he is, Charlie will win that matchup but then lose to Mr. Eko who got hot at just the right time and is blowing everyone out (including Dr. Christian Shepard who was getting a lot of darkhorse buzz heading into the tourney).

From the Others Region: This has probably been the region that has gone the way of the chalk the most so far. Ben Linus came in as the number one seed overall after dominating the Dharma Initiative and his father in the classic "Purge Game," as well as his flawless manipulation of the 815 Survivors (Locke especially), plus his alleged faking of the Oceanic Flight 815 crash site, racking up 324 dead bodies along the way. Though on paper it looks like he might have a tight matchup with his mentor, Jacob, I think the student passes the teacher and Ben easily wins the region.

My only problem with this bracket was Mikhail's disappointing first round loss to Richard Alpert. Mikhail is the classic "spurtability" character because just when you think he's out of it, he literally comes back from the dead and goes on a nice run. Who could forget his regular season finale matchup with Charlie when he won on an explosive buzzer beater after having been left for dead just before halftime? I guess Richard's guyliner though beats Mikhail eyepatch.

From the Other Crucial Players Region: This bracket was made for Desmond. After his blowout (and near shutout) of his biggest rival, Charles Widmore, it's been smooth sailing (for once) for Desmond. For those who question how Desmond would respond after his blowout of the love of his life, Penny, in the second round, it didn't seem to slow him down as much as they thought because he has another commanding lead on the only other true contender from this bracket, Smokey. He faces yet another easy matchup in the regional finals when he will most likely face Rousseau, whose Pete Carril Princeton style survival strategy has to run out at sometime. Desmond won't let those backdoor plays go undefended, unless of course if he flashes back to 1997.

As for the rest of the way, I think Ben beats Desmond, and Sawyer holds off a surging, machete-weilding, stick-bashing, Mr. Eko to make it to the finals. In the finals I see Ben easily conning Sawyer once again (this time without bunnies) and getting his one shining moment. Or at least that's how I'm voting.



Speaking of Mr. Eko, please enjoy this clip of Dikembe Mutombo:

Results Show

Well it looks like I've talked myself out of my American Idol boycott. Even though the "Idols" sang SEVEN untouchable Beatles' songs from my list, I've decided that I'm still going to watch and here are the reasons why:

1. I'm letting two songs slide to get the list down to the original five. These two songs are the Biker Nurse's version of "You Can't Do That" (from the banned A Hard Day's Night) and Gayvid Hernandez's version of "I Saw Her Standing There" (the only banned song from Please Please Me). Why are you letting Hernandez slide you ask? Hold on a minute and you'll see.

2. Certain untouchable songs that were performed were so bad that they didn't ruin the original songs in any way. While I was upset that just about every finalist changed these already perfect songs in some way, some performances were so bad that it didn't even matter (like Syesha's, "Got to Get You Into My Life" and Battelfield Earth's unbelievably weak, "If I Fell).

3. Even though he sang a song that I allowed, it was great seeing Giggles McGee forget the words to "We Can Work it Out." I still don't understand how somebody (and I don't care if he's 12 years old) doesn't know any Beatles' songs. He knew this song as a Stevie Wonder song. I can understand someone not liking The Beatles more than someone not knowing any of their songs. Too bad there's no way he gets cut. Lousy little pixie.

4. Just so you know, Baldie McFakerock's (pictured below) version of "Eleanor Rigby" was so awful and unforgivable that I got up and left the room. I've never wanted to kill a puppy more than I did in the first couple seconds of that performance. Simon really let me down with his praise of this atrocity. God, even this was better.



Ok, back to David Hernandez. As we all know by now, Hernandez worked as a gay stripper in a gay nightclub up until late September of 2007. Well as I mentioned, tonight he sang "I Saw Her Standing There," after his intro video where he failed to mention his job as a gay stripper in a gay night club in his list of recent jobs. What's so perfect about this whole situation though, is how beautifully you can twist the lyrics of "I Saw Her Standing There," to a David Hernandez gay stripper in a gay nightclub version of this classic song. Below are the lyrics to this version.

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present:



I Saw Him Sitting There
by David Hernandez

One, Two, Three, Four!

Well he was just seventeen
if you know what I mean
with a Miller Lite and frosted spiky hair
Oh how could I dance on another, woooooo!
Since I saw him sitting there

Well he winked at me
and I, I could see
that I had to start before the song was over
Oh, I’ll never strip for another, woooooo!
Since I saw him sitting there

Well my heart went boom
in the champagne room
that he rented for the night

Yeah, I danced through the night
and his pants were getting tight
and before too long I forgot where we were!
Oh, how could I grind on another?
Since I saw him sitting there

Well I love being gay
in Dick’s Cabaret
and my future’s looking bright!

Oh, he payed for the night
and he treated me right
thank God for all that Cocoa Butter
No, I’ll never be tipped by another, woooooo!
Since I saw him sitting there
Oh since I saw him sitting there
Yeah well since I saw him sitting there

---------------

I'd like to say thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition!

All the Children Sing...

For the last six years I've been trying to stop watching American Idol. Every year though, I'm suckered in and then I can't stop watching and I wind up hating myself at the beginning of each new episode. For a long time I wondered why I couldn't stop watching something that I didn't want to watch. It was really bothering me. I've hated just about every contestant of all time (with the exception , of course, for this guy), and have never downloaded or bought a song or album from anyone in the show's history.

The only constant part of the show that I've liked throughout has been Simon because it's refreshing to see someone so honest on television. Meanwhile, every time a contestant gets voted off, Paula tells them that this is "just the..........begin-er, the beginning of your...........career and your star is..........gonna........your star is gonna shine.............brightly forever......and you....." She still hasn't finished a sentence in seven years and it's not even funny anymore, while Randy Jackson on the other hand, has just become a parody of himself. As for Seacrest, I'm not even going to talk about him. Yet I'm still there every Tuesday through Thursday (unless something better is on, but I still record it on the DVR anyway).



It was only very recently that I figured out why I still need to watch all the time - I need something on television that I can hate. While I'm upset that I'm watching the show when the show is about to start, I do wind up having fun watching these losers sing because I can outwardly hate them. It's nice to just let out pointless and meaningless rage in short bursts for 42 minutes two or three nights a week. Since I can't stop watching, it's better to take this approach towards this show. Plus since everyone else watches, it's nice to have a Lowest Common Denominator show you can talk about with other people when conversations lag, or even when they don't. American Idol, as annoying as it is, has helped save numerous parties, slow dinners, and funerals over the past seven years. It's really amazing when you think about it.

So, what does American Idol go and do just as I've finally accepted it as a necessarily unavoidable part of my life? They acquire the Lennon/McCartney songbook, which they will be raping tonight. In the past, the AI contestants have not been allowed to sing Beatles' songs by John and Paul, and it's been the one redeeming factor about the show. In my opinion, The Beatles should never be covered by anyone, let alone hacky wannabe pop stars. It's just not right. The songs are so good, they don't need to be changed. The only times I have no problem with their songs being covered are during concerts of certain established bands that I respect.

A couple years ago I remember Taylor Hicks singing "Something" (which was allowed because it's a George sons), and there have been many times when contestants have performed and butchered solo John's, "Imagine." When it comes to George, I get especially offended because he's maybe my favorite person in the history of Earth. As for "Imagine" being done all the time, I feel just the same way I do about any Beatles song being covered, even though "Imagine" is maybe my tenth favorite song off that album. I had to change the channel the other week when that annoying little smile-talker, David Archuletta, sang the song. I don't want these people to ruin these songs like Smashmouth ruined the Monkees', "I'm a Believer," for me.



So, tonight's AI episode may very well be my last episode ever, which is a shame now that I've finally made peace with my ailment. I've decided to leave the show an out though, just so there's a chance I can still watch in the future. Below is a list of untouchable songs that I just will not be cool with anyone singing, with the exception of Brooke White, who can do no wrong in my eyes. Since there are 12 contestants left, if more than 5 of these songs are performed, I will no longer watch.

UNTOUCHABLE SONGS:

All George Harrison songs.

All covers are OK, because they aren't Beatles song to begin with.

Abbey Road: all songs are untouchable except for Come Together and Octopus's Garden.

The Beatles (White Album): all songs are untouchable except for Ob-La-Di..., Blackbird (there's no way I can expect them not to sing this), I Will, Goodnight.


Beatles For Sale: they can sing anything from this album except I'm a Loser and I'll Follow the Sun.

A Hard Day's Night: the entire album is untouchable because I don't want them to ruin the movie for me too. This one's gonna be tough to avoid.

Help!: they can sing anything from this album except Help!, You've Got to Hide Your Love Away, Ticket to Ride, and Yesterday.

Let It Be: the entire album is untouchable.

Magical Mystery Tour: every song untouchable except Your Mother Should Know, Hello Goodbye, Baby You're a Rich Man, and the unavoidable All You Need is Love.

Please Please Me: I'll be fine with them singing any of these except for I Saw Her Standing There.

Revolver: ABSOLUTELY NO REVOLVER! Do you hear me, people? NO REVOLVER! If Brooke White wants to sing Here, There and Everywhere, that's fine, but even she isn't very safe here.

Rubber Soul: I'm going to give them most of this one except for Norwegian Wood, You Won't See Me, Nowhere Man, Girl, and In My Life.

Sgt. Pepper: they'd be fools to try, and I'd actually like to see them crash and burn by doing any song here except of course for A Day in the Life.

With the Beatles: I'll give them this one too.

Singles not on any albums: Paperback Writer, Lady Madonna, Hey Jude, Revolution, Don't Let Me Down, and the Ballad of John and Yoko.

Other than that, I'm fine. Your move, American Idol.

Pitt the Elder vs. Lord Palmertson

So some dude that I may or may not know (who may or may not be my brother) has started a blog of his own. The blog is about bogs and called "The Bog Spot." What's the actual address you might ask? Well, it's www.thebogsspot.blogspot.com. Pretty clever, right? Anyway, since mine is an entertainment site (and specific entertaining websites fall under its umbrella) I feel perfectly fine linking you there. Bogs are cool, right?



If you go look at this site, then I promise you another post later on today. Sounds like a good deal to me, no?

The Law's Coming

Hey everybody. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be in North Carolina (which is not where I normally am) over the next three days so don't expect any updates until at least late Wednesday night. When I get back though I have some stuff planned for you that's gonna be really awesome. I know that's not the best description, so instead I'll let Wyatt Earp tell you how I feel. The following clip is from the best scene of the best Wyatt Earp related movie from 1993:



Couldn't have said it any better myself. You've been warned, curs.

Tweedy Deserves an Emmy for this Promo

Just saying...

This Weekend (3/1/08)

It's finally March! Maybe it's just me, but it felt like February was especially long this year. Anyway, here's a short reminder for stuff you might wanna watch this weekend.

Saturday

What: George Carlin: It's Bad For Ya
When: 10:00PM
Where: HBO
Why: Because it's a George Carlin comedy special.



---------------

What: SNL with host, Ellen Page, and musical guest, Wilco.
When: 11:30PM
Where: NBC
Why: Even though the show is rarely funny since Seth Myers took over, they at least have a good host and an even better musical guest.



---------------

Sunday

What: Breaking Bad
When: 10:00PM
Where: AMC
Why: Breaking Bad is the second best show that's currently airing on television right now. If you don't know anything about it, then read this. I haven't seen anyone in the past 2 years (Michael C. Hall excluded) act better than Bryan Cranston in this show. He's the best actor no one ever thinks about, and the show is just as good. If only people knew it existed.

Talkin' Talkies (2/29/08)

I think Leap Day is as good as any to bring back Talkin' Talkies. In case you've forgotten, these are my reviews on new movie releases based only on trailers, commercials, movie posters, word of mouth, etc. I haven't seen any of these movies (and from the looks of this week's releases I never will) but that isn't going to stop me from telling you if you should or not. Please set your cell phones to vibrate. Here we go:

SEMI-PRO

What It Is: Yet another awful Will Ferrell sports "comedy" movie. Will Ferrell plays Jackie Moon (aka the same character he plays in every movie) who is a player/owner for the Flint Tropics (I get it!) of the ABA in the 70s. Wackiness undoubtedly ensues.

What I Like: I like Will Arnett and Andy Richter. Unfortunately, these two are in this movie and this movie sucks.

What I Don't: Everything about this movie (including all of the promos and commercials). Oh look - Will Ferrell fights a bear! Awesome! What's this? There's partial Will Ferrell nudity? That guy's body is so funny looking! I love it!

What I Think: I think someone needs to sit Will Ferrell down and have a serious talk with him so he will stop making these awful movies. I've had this argument with many people before, but Ferrell died to me about halfway through Anchorman (and was briefly resurrected for 2 hours when I saw Winter Passing). The reasons for this are many.

1. Will Ferrell is not good as a lead actor. The whole movie is taken over by the retarded character that he insists on playing all the time. He's much, much better when he isn't the main focus and plays the scene-stealer role like in Old School and Zoolander.

2. The awful main characters he plays are perfect sketch comedy characters. They're funny for about 4 minutes and then you get so sick of them you want to rip your eyes out with your toes. This is why he was one of the best ever SNL stars. Something stupid works so much better when it doesn't last very long.

3. His movies are so amazingly unbelievable. The characters he plays don't exist anywhere. Yes, I realize they're fictional and that these are comedies, but in a post-Apatow comedy world, is it so wrong to ask for some believability and depth from comedic characters? Methinks not.

Will I See It: I've already seen more of it than I wanted to, but if you really like Will Ferrell then I can't stop you from watching if I haven't done so already.



Penelope

What It Is: Christina Ricci plays (I assume) a girl named Penelope who has a pig nose or something and is probably ashamed about it for obvious reasons.

What I Like: I've definitely heard of the other people in this movie: James McAvoy (he's so dreamy!), Catherine O'Hara, Reese Witherspoon (who is just a grown version of some demonic child actor to me anyway), and Peter Dinklage (they're filming midgets!). So I guess if they got all of these people it has to be pretty good right?

What I Don't: I really have no feelings about this movie either way.



What I Think: It's a tweenish fairytale romcom. Not really something I'm that interested in, but that doesn't mean it's not good.

Will I See It?: Nope. Not when I can watch this:



The Other Boleyn Girl

What It Is: Yet another telling of the Henry VIII/Anne Boleyn story, except this time with 2 American actresses struggling through English accents. That's kind of a twist.

What I Like: I like The Tudors on Showtime. I think I'll watch that instead.

What I Don't Like: It's great I guess that Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson are starring together as sisters in the same movie. But unless either of them are in a cool movie like V for Vendetta or The Prestige, there's no reason for me to go out and watch them act like British robots for two hours.

What I Think: Like I said, I've already invested my time in The Tudors (mainly because I like to watch alcoholics act) and I'd rather watch this this story as from the power/religious point of view then from some sister vs. sister love story angle.

Will I See It?: No, but come March 30th, I'll be watching Showtime. Although, if Scarlett creepily smells Natalie's shoulder throughout the whole movie, then maybe I'll go see it after all.



Other Movies Released This Week (Yuppers or Nope)

Chicago 10: Nope with a 8% chance of Yuppers

City of Men: Probably Nope

Fin.

Meet the Dead Guy, Volume I (Nomination 2)

William F. Buckley died today at the age of 82. In case you don't know who Buckley is, well he is famous for having a wikipedia page that tells you all about his life and what he did. Why does he warrant a post on this page you might ask? Good question. Here's why: Buckley once famously said that the Beatles were:

"so unbelievably horrible, so appallingly unmusical, so dogmatically insensitive to the magic of the art, that they qualify as crowned heads of antimusic."


Hard not to agree. Those guys sucked. Disgusting.

This statement added on top of his death automatically puts Buckley into the running for the First Annual Bad News/Irrelevant News Dead Guy of the Year award. He is February's nominee, and from the looks of things, he'll be in the running all year with January's posthumously posthumous nominee, Brad Renfro. Good luck, fellas!

Shopping in the Human Mall

Why don't you watch this while I go to my local Coinstar machine and then to Persepolis?



Talkin' Talkies tomorrow.

I've abandoned Brad Renfro! I've abandoned my boy!

For the first time in a couple of years, Failure's Art did not have any Oscars related posts. Normally I would provide a list of who I thought should have been nominated, and then who I would pick to win. After the show aired I would then provide an Oscar recap at some point in the following month. This year I decided to spare all of you from my angry nominations post and you should really thank me because it just would've been all about how Into the Wild was severely overlooked in many categories (as well as The Darjeeling Limited in Art Direction and Cinematography). Those posts normally take such a long time for me to put together and this past year would've just been too redundant, though I am happy with just about everyone who actually wound up winning this past Sunday. That's not to say though that there weren't some hilarious and questionable moments.

My original intention this year was to live blog the actual telecast (which would have been the first post at BN/IN), but since I went to an Oscar party in NY I just decided to sit back and enjoy and root for my picks in our Oscar pool. As it turns out, I lost by one point thanks to me picking Persepolis over Ratatouille and the Bourne Ultimatum sweep (if they loved it so much why didn't they nominate it for Best Picture - it had to be better than Atonement right?). Anyway, since this years awards set an all-time low in ratings (and since they happened two days ago), I'm going to keep this recap short and sweet. I plan on just talking about only the things that I feel are worthy for discussion, which by default means that they are the only things worth remembering.

SPOILER ALERT: I will only be talking about three things.

Red Carpet

By now I'm sure all of you have seen Gary Busey's neck rape of Jennifer Garner. Just so we all are clear here, I am siding with Gary Busey on this one, and for a couple of reasons.



Reason the First: Though I thought she was very, very good in Juno (or at least better than Tilda Swinton in Michael Clayton), I don't like Jennifer Garner. She always tries to present herself as some classy and important actress, when aside from select seasons of Alias, her two biggest non-Juno movie performances were Elektra and Catch and Release. Wow! What a superstar. So some weirdo with massive facial reconstruction srugery oddly kissed you on the neck. There's a reason why Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are so perfect for each other - she's the female Ben Affleck.



Reason the Second: Gary Busey is America's favorite crazy person. Whether it was I'm With Busey, or his guest appearances on Entourage, or any movie he's done in the last 20 years, Busey has been (at least for those people in-the-know) the source for pure insane comedy gold. The only person who rivals him here would be Chuck Norris.

The real question from the whole Jennifer Garner incident though is - does she have any idea who Gary Busey is? I don't think she does. Watch the clip again and look at her reaction. Here's what she says once Ms. Seacrest tries to ask her a question:

"Aren't you going to ask me about being kissed on the neck on the red carpet by this man?"

"By this man?" "By this man?" Do you not know who Gary Busey is? What's wrong with you? You grew up in West Virginia for God's sake. Isn't he like a national hero down there? Do you mean to tell me, Mrs. Affleck, that you've never seen this classic scene from Bulletproof? He's your worst nightmare, Butthorn!

(you can stop watching after about 1:20)



--------------

Gaydolf Titler, your Magic is Real and I Believe in You

I thought that Jon Stewart did a great job once again as host. He and his writers didn't have a lot of time to pull this off, and I think it would've been just as good if they had that extra time to prepare. I really liked Oscar's Tribute to Binoculars and Periscopes, and much like every middle aged woman in America, I also liked how he brought Markéta Irglová back out so she could finish her part of the acceptance speech after getting cut off when she won for Best Original Song from Once.

Stewart's best moment though was his Gaydolf Titler joke from the monologue, but not for the reason you might think. While the joke itself was hilarious (and if you know me then you know there's no way I didn't laugh at this joke, since I've made it myself about 6,000 times), but the best part was when they cut to eventual Best Actress, Marion Cotillard's reaction in the audience. Now I don't know much about Cotillard (though if there was an Oscar category for Best Arms she would've won handily), but I imagine she isn't as fluent in English as most people who aren't French and are American. At the very least, she probably doesn't understand the American joke of throwing the word "gay" into names that rhyme with gay for comedic effect. This assumption becomes all to clear when they cut to her in the audience:

(start the clip at 8:08 on the clock)



After Stewart tells his joke, they cut to Casey Affleck and Cameron Diaz behind him cracking up. Right after this cut, we see Cotillard, sitting next to Hilary Swank (who normally cleans up in the Most Jacked Arms Oscar), turn to the person on her left and ask: "I don't get it - who is that?" I had to stop and rewind that section at the party because I could've sworn that's what she said. Go back and rewind it and watch it as many times as you need. What else could she possibly be saying? Something in French? Not bloody likely! Further video evidences proves that it kinda looks like she actually asks what I think she does. Marion Cotillard thinks that there is really a Gaydolf Titler out there and because she does, she is now my most favorite person ever. Congratulations, you've earned it!



---------------


Brad Renfo is Spinning in his Grave, or Coffee Can, or Whatever is Holding his Remains

So just like with Busey, I'm sure you all know of the other major controvery from this year's ceremony: the forgotten death of Brad Renfro.

Just a little weird backstory for you here before we get into it. When I heard that Brad Renfro had died, the first thing that came to my mind (after all of the sorrow of course) was, to quote my own thought, "oh wow, the poor man's Heath Ledger died." Little did I know at that time that one week later, the real man's Heath Ledger would die as well. Told you it was weird.

Unfortunately for Brad Renfro, he couldn't even step out from Heath Ledger's shadow in death, and we saw the most glaring example of this during the always hilarious Dead Man's Montage at this year's Oscars. Before the montage started I predicted that they would show Brad Renfro about 50-60% of the way through the piece, and that they would obviously close with Ledger.

Once we started seeing a couple of agents get mentioned I thought my prediction would come true. As it went on, however, and we saw our Suzanne Pleshettes and Ingmar Bermans get mentioned I started getting a little scared. Then all of a sudden Heath Ledger popped up being all gay in that gay movie he did, and then that was the end. The Oscars had snubbed Brad Renfro in death, much like they did in life after his iconic performance in 2006's 10th and Wolf.

Clearly this bothered myself and many much more than his actual death. Instead of giving you my thoughts though, let's take a look at how the Ghost of Brad Renfro (who was watching with the Ghost of Dan Fogelberg and the Ghost of Sean Taylor at their first annual Oscar Party) reacted to the Dead Man's Montage.

Brad Renfro: Be quiet everybody, it's about to start. Who invited Fogelberg? Was that you, Taylor?

Sean Taylor: Nah man, I thought he was the caterer.

Brad Renfro: Ghosts don't eat, Taylor. What's wrong with you?

Fogelberg: Hahahaha.

Sean Taylor: Shut up, Fogelberg.

Brad Renfro: Seriously, be quiet! There about 40% of the way through and they still haven't showed me yet.

Dan Fogelberg: Well that's good for you. Plus, you were one of the last deaths in their time requireme -- oh look, there's my agent!

Sean Taylor: They show agents now? That's crazy, yo. At least I made LaVar Arrington cry!

Brad Renfro: If you guys make me miss my part of the montage...

Sean Taylor: Who is Suzanne Pleshette?

Dan Fogelberg: Oh, she was great. I stalked her for about 18 months.

Brad Renfro: Shut up, Fogelberg! We're getting close. I think they might actually show me right before they get to Heath.

Sean Taylor: Where is Heath anyway?

Brad Renfro: I think he went to Benazir Bhutto's Oscar Bash.

Dan Fogelberg: Yeah, I was actually gonna go to that one myself, but Suzanne Pleshette RSVP'd before me and unfortunately, restraining orders extend beyond the grave.

Sean Taylor: Wow, I had no idea. Thanks for the heads up though.

Dan Fogelberg: No problem, buddy.

Sean Taylor: I'm not your buddy, Fogelberg.

Brad Renfro: Look there's Heath! I think they actually saved me for last! This is the crowning achievement of my career! Suck it Grisham!

Dan Fogelberg: Um...

Sean Taylor: I think they just faded out, bro.

Brad Renfro: Huh? What do you mean? Hey, why is there a Target commercial on? Do you think they edited me into it somehow?

Dan Fogelberg: Maybe if it was a Walmart commercial --

Brad Renfro: That's it Fogelberg! You're dead to me!

Dan Fogelberg: I'm dead to everyone.

END SCENE

Poor Fogelberg.



Thanks, and drive home safely!

Happy Tuesday! (2/26/08)

Happy Tuesday, everybody! Tuesday is a very important day in the world of entertainment because it is the day that new dvds and music are released. Every week I'll give you a short list of the select DVDs that you might want to consider purchasing. Every now and then I'll throw some CDs in here too, but as of now I'm more comfortable forcing my DVD beliefs on you than my music ones. So, here's the first of at least two lists of DVDs you might want to waste your money on, with very brief descriptions.

TVDs

Extras: Extra Special Series Finale - I'm not gonna say that it beats The Office Christmas Special, but it comes pretty close.



Buy it?: If you already have the first two DVD sets, then yes. If not, just get the complete series.

DVDs

Beowulf - If you like listening to a CGI Angelina Jolie doing her foreigner accent that she recycles every other movie then this one's for you.



Buy It?: If you do, don't tell me.

The Darjeeling Limited - If you like scenes in slow motion set to Kinks songs then this is right up your alley.



Buy it?: Wes Anderson (at least for me) equals an automatic buy. I liked this a lot more after I saw it for the first time. It's not his best but it definitely has the potential to be a "grower."

Goya's Ghosts: I'm not really sure but this may be a movie about a rapist monk.



Buy it?: Only if you're a fan of Natalie Portman's awkward European accents.

Video Games

Lost: Via Domus - There's no way that I won't be playing this on my PS3 this time tomorrow. It doesn't even need to be any good.



Buy it?: It's not canon, but it doesn't matter (at least not to me anyway).

Pilot

Well I have some bad news and some irrelevant news. First the bad news.

Bad News: Looks like Failure's Art is dead. I haven't posted, nor felt like posting since October, and it hasn't bothered me at all. That site was fun for a while but then it just got too big for its own good. When thousands of people show up to a site every day they expect to be entertained. I didn't initially realize how hard it would be to entertain all of the people all the time, plus all of the success and notoriety went to my head. So, I'm going to abandon that site for a period of time, and focus my efforts to speak to a smaller cross section of this great planet of ours. Which leads me to the...

Irrelevant News: Since I have a 3-blog development deal with blogger.com, I've decided to start the final segment of my trilogy and this time just focus on entertainment. Now that the Writer's Strike is over I can feel comfortable about writing again without any fear of becoming a scab like Brian Daubach, or a dead scab like Cory Lidle. I must say that it feels nice to be writing again while not being part of the guild or getting payed any money. Old times, man. Old times.



Anyway, what sort of features might you expect from this site that are different from what you might've seen on Failure's Art? First of all, great question, thanks for asking. Well I can say that this site will focus less on my doings. Now I know that might be sad for some of my stalkers out there, and I do feel for you. Normally I would love to give out all of my information over a website, it's just that I feel the need to be a little more serious (read: not at all more serious) with this new project. While this stipulation knocks my personal information out of the equation (sorry BeardQuest), it also knocks out Baby Lentini (who has been knocked out for years now) and other characters from my life like the Twirl Master. There will also no sports related posts, though I would count on their being some weird sports references (see Brian Daubach/Coy Lidle above).

So, while all of that garbage is staying back at the old site, some of the other garbage from the old site like Talkin' Talkies, and my inexplicable awards show nomination snubs anger will carry over. Some new things that you can look forward to include more in depth television/movie/music coverage, a new segment I'm calling Song Dissection (oh, you'll see), and other random stuff I haven't thought of yet which will no doubt be brilliant.

While all of this sounds very good, I do need to give you some very important information. First off, in now way will I ever be breaking any entertainment stories like those blog rags out there. That's not me. I like to make fun of things without writing on pictures someone else took.

Second off (that doesn't sound right), I keep weird hours regardless of whether I'm working or not. What does this mean? Since I don't normally even begin to considering going to bed before 3 or 4 am, don't look for early morning posts, unless of course I'm drunk and feel like writing at 5am. Basically, you should just accept that everything will be on a little delay. With this in mind, expect an Oscar recap post at some point tomorrow.

Finally off, I'd like to explain where the title of this site comes from since I couldn't walk down the street without the public asking me what Failure's Art meant. The title works on two levels, with the first one being that entertainment news is normally either bad or irrelevant and is always taken to seriously (depending on how important you think you are).

As for the second meaning, for those of you that don't know "bad news/irrelevant news" comes from one of my favorite scenes from the original Office where David Brent approaches his workers by saying he has "good news and bad news" that he is getting promoted while most of the rest of them are about to get fired. In response, Brent's British version of Toby from the American Office says that he should've said that he has "bad news and irrelevant news." It's a lot funnier when it isn't described so poorly, and can be seen with a youtube clip, which I could not find. Instead, please enjoy this Office clip that I could find, and then sit around for a little while and wait for my Oscars post.



While we're at it, this one's not so bad either: